Ah, burpees—the workout move that combines squats, push-ups, and pure evil into one seamless motion. If you’ve ever wondered, “Who invented these, and do they hate humanity?” you’re not alone. Let’s break down why burpees are the ultimate proof that fitness might just be one elaborate prank.
The Origin Story (Probably)
Legend has it that a mad scientist invented burpees to test how much sweat the human body could produce in 30 seconds. The real story? Some guy named Royal H. Burpee (yes, that’s his real name) created them as a fitness test. A test of what? Your willingness to suffer, apparently.
Why Burpees Feel Like Punishment
Let’s face it: burpees are what happen when someone asks, “What if we combined every awful part of exercise into one horrific move?” They’re the workout equivalent of a traffic jam: exhausting, frustrating, and completely unnecessary. Bonus pain points if your instructor yells, “Just five more!” (Spoiler: it’s never just five.)
The Many Stages of a Burpee
Stage 1: Optimism. “I can totally do this!”
Stage 2: Regret. “Why did I think this was a good idea?”
Stage 3: Despair. “I think my soul just left my body.”
Stage 4: Survival. “I’m still alive? Barely.”
Stage 5: Denial. “I’ll never do burpees again!” (Until tomorrow.)
Tips for Surviving Burpees
1. Go Slow: Burpees aren’t a race, even if your trainer disagrees. Moving at a snail’s pace is still movement.
2. Modify Like a Pro: Can’t do the full move? Skip the push-up, the jump, or all of it. Just do a dramatic squat and call it “express burpees.”
3. Distract Yourself: Blast your favorite workout playlist, and pretend you’re dancing instead of dying.
How to Brag About Burpees
The best part of doing burpees is telling everyone you did them. Post a sweaty selfie, casually mention “killer burpee sets” in conversations, and enjoy the admiration (or pity) of your peers. You earned it.
Conclusion
Burpees may be the ultimate nemesis of fitness enthusiasts everywhere, but they’re also proof of your determination and resilience. Hate them, mock them, and survive them—because if you can conquer burpees, you can conquer anything. Probably. Good luck!